The Abuser Returns


I am quite fortunate in that my abuser now lives in a completely different country.  This means I don’t have to worry about It (I’ve decided to call my abuser It from here-on-in) ‘being in the area’.  I don’t have to worry about It bumping into any of my friends in our city of birth.  I don’t have to worry about bumping into It when I’m in the city, either.  This keeps my stress levels relatively low.  I can have my own life, and feed It very select bits of my life.

It’s going to be in the country.  It’s returning for a brief period of time.  Even though It will be half a country away, I’m in a state of dissociated panic.  I am under no illusions that It can find where I live with only a cursory look, were It so minded, and I am not so far away that It could not “visit”, despite It only being in the country for a few days.

I am really hoping Its narcissistic arrogance, and the fact that in order to find my address, It would have to access a website that has more negative implications for It than for me, will prevent It from looking me up.

I do not want It coming near me or the life I’ve made for myself.  I still have to ‘make nice’ with It, and I don’t think I could face-to-face.  I think I would just start screaming, and I’m pretty sure that’s not considered a ‘suitable greeting’ for someone you are supposedly ‘amicable’ with.  I had nightmares last night about It.  For the first time in months It was in my dreams again, tormenting me.

I will need to be very careful to get a lot of sleep over the next week or so, and do nice things that involve staying inside and basically hiding.  Whenever I’m outside I’m going to be on extreme high-alert for It, so distraction is going to be key to surviving the coming week.

I Did Too Much At The Wrong Time


I did too much at the wrong time.  I knew I was starting to come down with something, but the weather was so lovely and I had things to do … so I did too much.

Last night I got home exhausted but kept on doing things.  I didn’t dive into bed like I should have.  Instead, I did a bit of (necessary) adulting correspondence, some crocheting, and actively watched some TV.  Then I napped on the couch, which never quite equates to ‘restful sleep’.

As a result, today I feel rather like death warmed up and chucked through the flu.  My workmate took one look at me and said “you look terrible, go home” so, at just past 10.30, that’s exactly what I did.

Now I’m going to lie in bed with the windows open just a bit to let in the wonderful fresh air, I’m going to put Forensic Files on, and I’m going to sleep.  Hopefully one (or many) of the furry horde will join me in bed and I’ll have a cuddle buddy (or two).  But it’s a timely reminder to pay attention to what my body is saying, and to really pay attention when I feel like I’m coming down with something.

Always take care of yourself, even if it means not ‘making the most’ of a sunny weekend.  You can always make the most of a sunny weekend by napping.  You don’t have to go out and do what other people say you should do.