I am quite fortunate in that my abuser now lives in a completely different country. This means I don’t have to worry about It (I’ve decided to call my abuser It from here-on-in) ‘being in the area’. I don’t have to worry about It bumping into any of my friends in our city of birth. I don’t have to worry about bumping into It when I’m in the city, either. This keeps my stress levels relatively low. I can have my own life, and feed It very select bits of my life.
It’s going to be in the country. It’s returning for a brief period of time. Even though It will be half a country away, I’m in a state of dissociated panic. I am under no illusions that It can find where I live with only a cursory look, were It so minded, and I am not so far away that It could not “visit”, despite It only being in the country for a few days.
I am really hoping Its narcissistic arrogance, and the fact that in order to find my address, It would have to access a website that has more negative implications for It than for me, will prevent It from looking me up.
I do not want It coming near me or the life I’ve made for myself. I still have to ‘make nice’ with It, and I don’t think I could face-to-face. I think I would just start screaming, and I’m pretty sure that’s not considered a ‘suitable greeting’ for someone you are supposedly ‘amicable’ with. I had nightmares last night about It. For the first time in months It was in my dreams again, tormenting me.
I will need to be very careful to get a lot of sleep over the next week or so, and do nice things that involve staying inside and basically hiding. Whenever I’m outside I’m going to be on extreme high-alert for It, so distraction is going to be key to surviving the coming week.
Walk to Wellness 