Tag: sleep

Sometimes You Just Have To Sleep (The Day Away)

Bones
Photo by Jon Butterworth on Unsplash

One delightful part of fibromyalgia is having unrestful sleep. For me, that means having vivid nightmarish dreams. Last night involved floating cows, deer crates, and then people infected with rage virus trying to kill each other (including me). It wasn’t a particularly fun night, and as a result, I woke up feeling a little bit like death warmed up.

Had breakfast and coffee, sat around for a bit … still death warmed up. Had second breakfast of cinnamon french toast, courtesy of my Amazing Human, and more coffee, but the excessive fatigue persisted.

Giving in, I curled myself up on the couch and lay down. I was out like a light.

I say ‘sleep’ rather than ‘nap’ because I’m typically out for about 4 hours, and I usually wake up feeling more rested than I do after a ‘good night’s sleep’. Today was no different.

Despite needing to do more cleaning, I slept solidly from midday until 4pm and I woke up feeling so much better. I wouldn’t have achieved a single thing by remaining conscious, but after that nap, I managed to finish off the bathroom and toilet and the cat pooping room / laundry.

With fibromyalgia, or with any other chronic illness, if you’re knackered … you need to sleep. Even if it means sleeping half the day away!

Never Go To Bed Angry

Bones

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“Never go to bed angry” is one of the earlier pieces of advice I heard, or read, or somehow acquired.  Who knows where from, or what it was for, or why, but it’s advice I have occasionally worked quite hard to follow.

Tonight is an excellent example.  Tonight I am feeling very put upon and sorry for myself – to be honest, I have been for most of the week, because this week has been awful, and I feel like I’ve been dumped on by people who should be trying to relieve my burdens, and by people who I felt should have recognised that.

I have been sick.  Not sniffles sick, but full on fever, vomiting, delirium, the works.  This will be the fifth day.  I still have a fever.

On top of that we’ve had no power to our hot water cylinder, which I’ve been tasked with finding a resolution for (long story, no one wants it to be their fault, I JUST WANT HOT WATER).

The dog had a really bad hotspot and needed to be seen by the vet.  That same night my friend’s dearly beloved cat and companion took a very sudden turn for the worse, and when I met her in the emergency clinic, it was decided that she would not be returning home with us.

I had a nurse’s appointment, then a doctor’s appointment.  An exam.  Still no hot water.

My lovely human (who I will gently address this with) said with a stern voice “we have to do something about this food in the fridge, it’s all going to go off!  We’re going to have to give it away!”  Except his tone of voice meant that I was the one who would have to do this, along with everything else.  “I can smell the dog, you’ll have to clean the cushions after this,” while I’m lying on the couch, unable to keep more than toast and honey down or stay conscious for much longer than an hour.

I am exhausted.  Tonight I mistook the dog’s medication for the cat’s medication, so off we went to the after hours vet clinic to have vomiting induced (which didn’t happen … until we got home!).  I even had a little cry in the waiting room while everything just hit me.

So I’m feeling very sad and put upon.  And not without reason, either, it’s been a catastrophically shit week and it just doesn’t seem to want to end.  It’s taking a lot of effort not to mope and sulk and be petty.  It’s when I feel like this that I know I’m at nope point and I need to take some time to relax.

A bit of music goes a long way, so while I’m waiting for my cat to be a bit more conscious, I’m chilling.  Then I will sleep!

Frantic Energy

Bones

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Frantic energy is just another manifestation of stress.

For me it displays as a need to fidget, an inability to sit still, twitching my toes, rubbing my fingers together, swinging my legs … some days I decide I’m just going to be completely still and force myself not to move.  Or there are days where I don’t feel like I can move as I need.  They’re the less good days.

Today I’m fidgeting.  It’s windy out, I’ve been having nightmares for the last three nights, I have been sleeping like crap … so I’m all keyed up in a not very good way.

On days like this I don’t allow myself to make any decisions, or go shopping.  I make sure I have movement and fidget outlets and just ride this crap out.  Naps also help.

So does going to sleep at a reasonable hour, which I’m definitely going to try tonight!

The Reality of Fibromyalgia

Bones

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I’ve had a fairly packed few weeks, and I’m looking at a full schedule until … probably mid February.  My anxiety is considerably higher than normal, as there’s a lot to get done over the next few weeks.  I’m physically doing considerably more and resting less.  This has a lot of consequences for me.

First being that my fibro is flaring up.  Which, yeah, go figure.  It means random parts of my body hurt.  On Friday, the middle knuckle on my right hand hurt.  Yesterday, an old injury on my left foot started hurting (and still does).  Bits of my leg hurt, and then stop hurting at random.  My knees ache more, my right elbow started hurting … you get the picture.

Today I experienced a new symptom.  I had a shower, which was all well and good.  I was drying myself off when I felt pain running down my left arm.  I quickly turned my arm over.  It was a water droplet running down my arm.

I felt some not inconsiderable pain from a water droplet.

I briefly panicked and then bottled it up.  I didn’t have the time to panic about it, so I didn’t.  It’s only now, in the later hours, that I’m sitting down to process this new facet.

Pain from a water droplet.

I’m used to abnormal pain after an injury, or additional pain after physical exertion, but this is new.  This is normal sensory input being processed as pain.  This is something I cannot excuse away as ‘a bit rough’ or ‘a bit sharp’, it’s a water droplet.

Realistically I’ve experienced this before.  Sometimes when my amazing human rubs my head or my arm, it hurts.  I’ve had days where pillows hurt to lie on.  But I have always rationalised them away – my amazing human was being unintentionally rough, or his nails were too long, and I just had a really bad headache so I was sensitive.

This is the first experience I can’t rationalise away.  This is clear proof that I have an issue with sensory input, where either my nerves are sending the wrong signals, or my brain is interpreting the signals wrong.

Today it really hit me.  I’m still not sure what to do with this information.  I’m probably going to bury it for a while and bring it out to examine at inopportune times (such as during an exam, or when I’m trying to read).  But for now, honestly?  I’m scared.  This is scary.  And I really don’t like it.

PTSD – Re-experiencing The Trauma

Bones

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Yesterday, when I got back from my evening rounds, I saw a video still on my amazing human’s PC screen.  It was a paused youtube video, perfectly innocuous.  It was of two men.

One of them looked like It.

My stomach clenched and my mind went numb.  I avoided my gaze.  But it was like a trainwreck, my eyes were drawn back to It over and over again – the image was so horrifically like It that I went into full shut down (which looks like nothing more than I’m a bit more dazed than usual).  My mind blanked it.

I distracted myself and eventually fell asleep on the couch.  Later on, when my amazing human was ready to go to bed, he woke me and we went.  All was well.  We tucked in  and fell asleep.

Then the nightmares started.  It was there, in them, in my old home.  I was dealing with Its old cars.  The exacts of the dream are hazy now, I just remember keeping my amazing human hidden from It, It must never know, never meet my amazing human.  Play nice, play polite, simper, do all the things I used to do.  Scrape and bow, scrape and bow, do everything he asks, do everything he says, everything is okay, hide it all, hide my new life, don’t let him know…

It’s a mixture of reliving the abuse he visited on me and the fear of him … not ‘coming back’ but being near me, encroaching on my life that I have struggled and worked so fucking hard to build, and the positive and deep relationships I’ve built with my friends and family, and my amazing human being.

I’ve been feeling … not quite right all day.  The nightmare has been on my mind a lot.  I’ve been running it around my head, trying to make sense of it all, but all it seems to be doing is making me more out of sorts.  I’m hoping this is enough to get it out, and I can now rest, relax, and sleep a bit better tonight.  Ideally without It and the nightmares.