Tag: work

I don’t want the life I lead … or the life I’m heading into

Bones

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I sat on a foot stool in Spotlight, exhausted and in a not inconsiderable amount of pain, waiting for my mother to extricate herself from the yarn department.  I had bought two balls of lovely soft cotton and was contemplating what to do with them when my thoughts moved to when I would be able to do anything with them.

You see I have this week off, then a week of work experience, then I’m back at uni, which just sort of continues until December of next year as we go straight from this year into our final year, do not pass go, do not collect $100.  I have very limited time to do things that I enjoy, and usually by the time I get to them, I’m too exhausted to do them.  I don’t like this life that I lead.

But I’m sucking it up and doing it because it will get me into a career I am infinitely passionate about and absolutely what I should be doing with my life.  Unfortunately it’s also a career where overtime and overwork is just par for the course and rather expected of you.  Especially in our final year of university.  We’re not ’employees’, so there is no legislation preventing them from requiring us to be in clinic from 7am to 7pm, or later, or from going straight from that to an overnight shift.

I really don’t like the life I’m headed into.

But like all things, there’s the ability to mould that life into something you want.  In my case, being stern about in clinic hours and my own requirements, and ensuring that I will not be failed on the basis of only being able to be in clinic for reasonable hours.  And after university is finished, setting up alternative income streams (I almost feel gross saying those three words, they sound so … smarmy and corporatey) so that I can work part time, and find a place that will allow me to work part time.

It was a sad realisation, though, in that shop.  It’s the career I’ve worked most of my life towards, and my own body is making it so much more difficult than it needs to be.  My body is preventing me from doing what I want to do to the fullness I want to do it, and I’ve had to seriously adjust what I want to do to compensate that.

It seriously sucks.

So I’m going to allow myself to be a sad sack of potatoes about it for a little while, then grab myself a cuppa tea and start plotting an easier future.  My life won’t give me exactly what I want, so I will make a suitable compromise – one where I can still pursue the career I want, without exhausting myself to the point where I can’t do the other things I want to do.

Accepting Limitations

Bones

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I’ve been feeling pretty darned good these last couple of weeks.

I’ve had more energy.  I’ve had more cheer.  I’ve been jogging (gasp) – very slowly and only for a very short amount of time.  I’ve been generally doing more.  The pain has been at a manageable level – never completely gone, but gone enough that a mild to moderate value distraction is enough to put it out of my mind.

Yesterday morning we had a start time of 7.00am.  I was up at 5 so I could get everything ready and be there by 6.45am.  It was early and I was stiff and sore already – not good considering I would be in a stressful situation and on my feet and moving constantly for the next 3 hours.

It was hard work – there was a lot going on, mostly things went well but we had a few panics, and I was well occupied.  I lasted until about 9.30 when the fatigue hit, and by the time we were wrapping it up at 10 I was in a lot of pain and just absolutely glazed.  We cleaned up and left for our lecture from 10.30am to 12.00pm, which I am fairly sure I slept through with my eyes open.  We had our one hour lunch break, and then were back in from 1-3.

By the time I got home at 4.30 I was barely capable of seeing straight.  I slept like the dead last night.

Today I’m still exhausted and in pain.  I’ve spent most of the morning lying down with my legs up on the back of the couch, which seems to be the most comfortable position for me when I’m in pain.

This has been a reminder that I have limitations, and my limitations are a lot closer than normal people’s limitations.  This has been a reminder that I have a chronic debilitating condition that causes fatigue and pain when I overreach myself.

This has also been a reminder that I need to communicate this to my team and the teaching staff more promptly so that I am still able to do what I need to do, but I don’t get to point of burnout like I did yesterday.

I still haven’t quite accepted that I can’t do everything other people do.  I still need to be reminded by my dear friend that I can’t just build a cabin on wheels in a week or two (that’s another story).  But I’m learning, and with each reminder I learn more.

Workplace Bullying

Bones

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Specific words and responses in the past week have led me to understand that I am currently the target of an active bullying campaign from a colleague, and have been since I joined.

From the very beginning she made it clear through her body language, dismissive attitude, word usage and tone of voice that I am Not Welcome and she Does Not Like Me.  Which is fine, I’m quite happy to leave her be and do my own thing and not unnecessarily interact with her so she doesn’t get annoyed and I don’t get snapped at.  This is a simple solution.  I know I’m not everyone’s cuppa tea and I’m happy to leave people be.

Last week she commented in a meeting to the effect of “you’re not doing your job”, a comment she never would have made had she not been confident she would be backed up.  And, unsurprisingly, she was – three of my other colleagues jumped in with very pointed comments on the topic at hand directed solely at me, in a manner that made me feel very attacked (although I didn’t quite understand until after the fact).  She was elated after that display.  Positively beaming.  It made me realise a few things.

First, that I wasn’t going to let this slide.  Passive bullying, being an ass to me directly, not a problem.  I can just avoid that person and we’ll all go on our happy way, but this was active.  She was seeking people out and telling them I wasn’t able to do my job.  She was cultivating this belief in my incompetence among other colleagues.  No, this I will not tolerate.

Secondly, just how much the stress of bullying has affected my mental and physical health!

I’ve always had a peculiar disconnect between my mind and my body.  Prior to a few years ago, I just didn’t think, I didn’t contemplate, I didn’t look within and analyse my own thoughts, feelings, or behaviours.  I just did, and bottled it all up.  Super healthy, right?

Now I take the time to figure out what my body and mind are telling me, and everything is ringing stress bells.  My gastrointestinal tract became deeply upset.  My mind couldn’t settle.  I was restless and antsy.  My heart rate was high.  I had difficulties getting to sleep, maintaining a restful sleep, and staying asleep.  I genuinely did not think I would be this affected by bullying in the workplace, and yet here I am, my anxiety still twisting in my gut.

I’ve lodged a complaint, and I’ll pursue this.  I think I’ll let the higher ups handle it – I don’t think it will be good for my health to interact with her myself in any way, especially as I am very confident she will simply gaslight me and I will end up getting nowhere.  I’m only there for a couple more months, and if I really need to, I will leave.  Although that’d have to be pretty dire for me to leave, I often have a hard time doing what’s best for myself when it comes to work.

But I’ve got to look after my health first.

Post-Holiday Blues

Bones

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I had a week long holiday from my normal life.  I spent a week with friends and family, cuddling with my dog, and doing work experience in the field I will eventually be graduating in.

I loved it.  For one of the few times this year, I felt alive.  My brain was whirring, I was thinking, I was in my element.  I was putting two and two together and getting four, and then adding another three to get seven, that kind of thing.  Despite the aches, the exhaustion, and the trembling, I had more energy than I had had in months.  And I proved to myself that I understood some things, that I remembered some things, and that I could actually apply a lot of what I’ve been taught.  It was exhilarating.  By the end of the week, though, I was gasping to be back in my home, in my own space, in my own bed, with my home routines.

I got home and it was lovely, my lovely human was there, my animals cuddled into me, and we had a relaxing day, before I went back to work and the reality of what I did fell on my head.

I like the people I work with.  I like the place I work.  I’m good at what I do, but wow is the work soul suckingly boring.  These last two weeks have thrown my life into light.

Do what you love.  Not because you’ll never work a day in your life – you will, it will still be work.  But do what you love because life is too short to do what you don’t love.