Tag: passive aggression

The Journey from Victim to Vulnerable and the Dichotomy of Being Disabled

Bones

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I had a thoroughly eye-opening discussion with my therapist the other day.

I spoke to her about what had happened with my friend who, after I wrote my last blog, sent me a long message where she accused me of a lot of things (predominantly to do with empathy and consideration, two things she knows I care deeply about), denied she had ever acted in a way that would have me guard myself against her, attack me for what I did to her by making my decision without consulting her, and then cast herself into the victim.  She used DARVO – Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender – to a rather good initial result.

But I had an uncomfortable feeling in my gut.  Her response didn’t feel right.  It felt like she was trying to guilt me, to suck me in and force me to conform and appease her.

I contacted my good friend who is well and truly experienced in these things, having had years of therapy to work through a narcissistic mother.  He was the one who pointed out what she was doing, and from there we unravelled the past abuse and control so I could see it for what I was.

I explained all of this to my therapist and she pointed out to me that my friend (well, now ex-friend) exists in the Drama Triangle – that is “Fixer”, “Offender” and “Victim”.  The alternative triangle is “Support”, “Assertive” and “Vulnerable”.  Now I exist in this latter triangle with my good friends, and this was where I thought our relationship had existed.  Looking back now, even my behaviour indicates that we weren’t.

I feel like when I acted, when I advised her of my decision, I was being assertive.  I definitely wasn’t in the offender role, I was very careful with my wording so the ‘blame’ for our incompatible conflict styles didn’t rest on her, but rather on both of us, because it IS both of us who have incompatible conflict styles.

Her response, however, was entirely trapped within the Drama Triangle, and she was trying to pull me back into it.  She was very clearly attempting to goad me into responding and returning to her triangle, which will feed her need for drama (she once admitted to me that she would actively seek to start fights, and she would actively continue fights with her best friend – this included calling her a bitch – because she wanted to).  I refused to do so.

We have since had a number of university classes together, in close enough confines, but without direct interaction.  I have felt myself subconsciously fall into the ‘victim’ mentality.  My thoughts go sad, I hunch in, and I feel guilty at the same time as feeling abused.  This is not a role I want to be in, because it means I have fallen back into the Drama Triangle, so I take a moment to breathe, draw my shoulders back, and reaffirm myself and my actions.

While I’m not around her, I am able to stay in the other triangle, in the ‘assertive’ role.  When I am around her, even with her very deliberately and completely cold shouldering me, I find myself falling back into her triangle.

This is because our relationship exists in a ‘closed’ system, where our roles are fixed and there are set rules.  I was, of course, cast into the role of ‘helpless cripple’ while she was in the role of ‘fixer’ or ‘hero’.  In a closed system, there is no movement about the various roles that one can be in a relationship, there can only be these two roles, and when one person in that relationship attempts to move into a different role, or out of the fixed role, the system seeks to return to homeostasis.  That is, the system seeks to return that person to their fixed role, sometimes through any means necessary.

In my other relationships, I exist in ‘open’ systems, where we move through the various roles one can take in the relationship depending on what’s going on at the time.  This means when one person is feeling vulnerable, the other can support them or be the hero, and vice versa.  There is the give and take of healthy relationships.  There is also room to exist in two states which, for someone who is disabled, is exactly what we do.  We exist as ‘vulnerable’ (as we are disabled, and therefore always vulnerable to some extent) but we can exist as ‘hero’ at the same time.

This is the dichotomy of the disabled.  We are always ‘vulnerable’, but we exist beyond that at the same time.  It’s a surprisingly difficult concept to wrap ones head around, and indeed it took me until earlier this year to really grasp it.  Initially, it was my own mentality trapping me there.  Then it was her mentality trapping me there.  Being a pathological people pleaser meant I adapted to what was expected of me, and remained adapted to that long past where I should have.  I remained in her closed system, and placated her closed system when she snapped (because I took a teeny tiny step out of it), for quite some time.

But now I’ve challenged that closed system, and I have removed myself from her Drama Triangle.  She made an attempt to draw me back into both and, due to a combination of being blocked and having no phone credit, as well as being surrounded by amazing friends, I did not return to it.  I did not placate the system, and I did not engage with her aggression and abuse.

It’s a surprisingly freeing feeling.

Today I Lost A Friend (And I Caused It)

Bones

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Today I lost a friend, and I caused that loss.  I’m sad.  Actually, more devastated.  She has been my very close friend throughout this year at university, but prior to that we were friends for about 3 years.

We were going to do a thing together, one that had major financial implications for me, and a lot of time investment from her.  I decided it was not going to work for me, it was not something I wanted to do at all, I told her before she devoted herself to it.  We’d both put some time into it, her more than I, and she’d put some money into it, but neither of us would lose a huge amount.

I decided it wasn’t going to work for me for a number of reasons, some of which were friendship problems (I didn’t think our friendship would survive the business relationship), and the other of which I would be putting in a lot of money that I would rather put to use elsewhere.  Like a deposit for buying my first house.  Or implement some new thing to help with my fibromyalgia or trigeminal neuralgia.

Talking to other friends (right now) is making me realise there were other cracks in our friendship long before now.  There were controlling aspects, an imbalance in the dynamic of the relationship (I was assigned the role of helpless invalid which, at the time, I must admit I was, but it never changed as I became less helpless).

There was an issue wherein she demanded control over my actions and I did not cede to it, because my assessment of the situation was different to hers.  This was a major point of contention, with her continually stating that I had a fear of losing control, that I did not trust her because I did not relinquish complete control to her, and that that was hurtful.  I hadn’t realised until now how manipulative that is.

Okay, so I lost someone I felt was a very close friend because I put myself first in a situation that would have a major impact on me and said this is not something I am going to do.  I want to keep the friendship, and I do not feel it will survive a business partnership, and I am unwilling to mix those.  Therefore I will not do it.

She noped right out the door and locked it after her.  And damn if that doesn’t hurt.

My Uncle Saw Me More Than My Mother Ever Did

Bones

frank-flores-EWhD0Fp2_jY-unsplashMy Uncle lives on the other side of the world.  I’ve seen him perhaps a handful of times at most my entire life.

On his latest trip to our side of the world, my Mother and my Uncle visited.  They stayed elsewhere, thank goodness, but they came over to my house and we sat around and we had some kind of meal or another.

My Uncle asked me how I was doing.  I replied that I was exhausted.  My Mother snapped back with something along the lines of you don’t look exhausted, and my Uncle responded with “because she knows how to put on a face”.

In one sentence, with a family member I realistically hardly know, my entire life was summed up.  He proved to me in that moment that he saw me better than my mother ever did, and likely ever could.

And damn if that doesn’t fucking hurt.

The Covert Narcissist

Bones

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A much loved friend of mine came around the other day for dinner.  We sat.  We ate dinner.  We drank coke (like adults who don’t drink alcohol do), and we talked.

We talked about her very much ex-boyfriend.  He came back into her life after his then girlfriend left him and has proceeded to spend the last several months in a deep depression, bemoaning how nothing good ever happens to him, and generally getting on her nerves.  When she tries to talk to him about any problems she might be facing in her own life, he manages to very quickly turn it around so that they are discussing his problems.  When she has (previously and currently) attempted to implement boundaries, he has either thrown a fit of ‘I’m the most horrible human being in the whole world I’m so sorry I’m a monster’ or has agreed to them, ignored her for a while, complied with them for a week or two … and then thrown them out.

We talked for hours.  I hadn’t liked him from the get go when she mentioned him years ago, and I liked him even less now.  It seemed to me like his pain was so completely overpowering, no one else’s pain existed.  It seemed to me like he simply did not care about anyone else.

Granted, I was hearing from only one of two people involved, but this is a friend who is well known for the fullness, accuracy, and lack of embellishment in her retellings in all aspects of life, so I feel comfortable that it is in fact a complete picture of their interactions.

This got me to remembering my “friend” who shat bricks at me when I attempted to establish boundaries, and brought me back to what I had learned only a few months earlier about covert narcissists.

So what is a covert narcissist?  

Unlike their more grandiose counterparts who are quite clearly extroverts, covert narcissists are the introverts of the narcissist world.  They’re quiet and shy and insecure, but harbour a secret desire to be discovered or realised for their amazing talent, intelligence, compassion, etc.  They don’t go around with a loudspeaker proclaiming their amazingness, they want other people to recognise how amazing they are and do the proclaiming for them.  They want the world to recognise how amazing they are.  They often proclaim themselves to be incredibly misunderstood or emotionally sensitive.

Covert narcissists are more prone to feelings of “neglect or belittlement, hypersensitivity, anxiety, and delusions of persecution“.  Sound like anyone you know?

Covert narcissists feel superior to everyone else. 

Except they don’t show it as obviously as the grandiose narcissists.  Rather, they express this by feeling as though no one recognises their brilliance, or that they are misunderstood, or the victim of constant persecution.  They are in fact better than other people, it’s just that nobody knows it, but one day someone will recognise their brilliance, their amazing capacity for love, or their intelligence, or their potential, and everyone will know.

But no one ever does, and they’re so misunderstood because of it.  The world is truly out to get them.

Covert narcissists are self-absorbed.  

You may get the feeling that they are simply waiting for you to pause in your retelling of a story, or discussion of a topic, so that they can take it over and move it to a topic they want to talk about.  They are typically disinterested in anything you are interested in, unless it is a mutual interest, and you may feel like they’re not quite interested in what you have to say about it.

This is often shown with closed or disinterested body language, such things as feet pointing away from you, torso turned away, or more extreme, head turned away.  They may be easily distracted.  They may fidget, or cross their arms over their chests.

Or they may be overly attentive listeners, too intense, too involved, too judgmental and negative.  They are quick to criticise, and never note the good points.

This ties in with both their self absorption and their superiority complex – by belittling others, they are able to imply that they must therefore be superior.

Covert narcissists lack empathy.

Narcissists are narcissists, regardless of whether they’re introverted or extroverted – they just don’t care.  They don’t care what you’re going through, they don’t care how you feel, and they certainly don’t care about how their actions make you feel.

For example, you may be discussing some difficulties you are going through, and they will make the appropriate noises and sympathetic words but there’s something … not quite right about them.  You don’t quite know what it is, it’s just a feeling in your gut.  And then they move the topic to their woes.

Or you may be trying to tell them that their actions have impacted you in some way and they may either avoid it completely, gaslight you, or throw themselves at your feet professing they are sorry, they are such horrible creatures, awful people, and try to make you feel sorry for them and tell them it’s okay, you weren’t that mad in the first place …

Covert narcissists are passive aggressive.

Hell hath no fury like a covert narcissist scorned, criticised, not allowed to get their own way, or just displeased in some way or another.  They will out passive-aggressive everyone.  This is often quite hard to detect, other than a bad feeling in your gut that something isn’t quite right.

It manifests as sullenness, stubbornness, subtle insults and of course, everyone’s favourite thing: the silent treatment.

One thing a lot of people don’t realise is passive aggressive behaviour is a failure to do tasks they are responsible for.  I’m not talking about just innocent forgetfulness here, or forgetfulness from stress, I’m talking about a consistent and deliberate behaviour of failing to do to do a task they are responsible for and leaving other people to pick up the mess.

Covert narcissists are highly sensitive.

Many people are highly sensitive – this doesn’t mean they’re covert narcissists.  There’s a difference between being highly sensitive and empathetic and being highly sensitive and narcissistic.

No one particularly likes being criticised, even when it’s done politely, phrased well, and is genuine constructive criticism.  It’s just hard to take.  The difference between a highly sensitive person with empathy is that they will ruminate on it and alter their behaviour accordingly – sometimes with a complete change, other times with a partial change that is respectful of this new bit of information.

A covert narcissist will not.  Their behaviour is perfect, because they themselves are perfect, therefore your criticism is wrong.

If you’ve ever asked someone to tidy up after themselves or not leave an empty chip packet in the cupboard and had a wild ride of ‘I’m a monster, I’m so sorry, I’m so terrible, I’m a horrible human being’ or just had a passive aggressive response, you know exactly what I’m talking about.  They won’t change their behaviour.  They want you to either not comment on it again, or tell them that everything is okay and you weren’t really that mad about it in the first place, it’s fine.

Covert narcissists are the misunderstood special person.

They’re special, they’re amazing, they’re all that and a bag of chips, and no one realises it.

For some covert narcissists, they are this amazing, loving, gentle human being who loves people with such intensity and cares for them so much nothing could possibly be better than them.

For others they are smarter than everyone else, and of course no one else realises it.

This ties in strongly with their superiority complex, self absorption, and (as discussed later in this article), their need to blame everyone else – they are so special, so much more special than other people, and one day someone will realise that and they will flourish so it’s not their fault they’re in the position they’re in, it’s everyone else’s fault for not realising how amazing they are.

Covert narcissists are takers.

It’s very much a one-sided relationship with covert narcissists, as it is with the grandiose narcissist.  Their needs and feelings are prioritised while your needs and feelings are dismissed, ignored, or judged overly harshly.

This ties back to their superiority complex, self absorption and lack of empathy.  Everything is about them, and they can’t possibly understand that someone else might have an important reason for doing something / not doing something.

For example, if you have to cancel dinner plans with one because you’re sick, they’ll be passive aggressive about it, but if they cancel dinner plans with you because they’re sick, they expect you to fuss over them and dote on them and be understanding.

A relationship with them is a one-way street – you give, they take, and it feels like exhaustion and stress when you even think about talking to them, it feels like discomfort in your stomach as you put your all into supporting them through their latest difficulties, and it feels like not wanting to confide in them despite them confiding in you.

Covert narcissists make you feel sorry for them.

Call them out on their behaviour?  They’ll throw such a demonstration you feel sorry for them and tell them it’s okay – without ever having addressed the behaviour you called them out on.

You’re having a bad day?  They’ll tell you their story which is way worse.

Your life is bright and sunny?  Their life is crumbling down.  Nothing ever goes well for a covert narcissist.  They are usually always miserable.

And they love it.  They don’t want to be happy, because being happy means they can’t complain about things, which means they can’t get your attention and sympathy.  They will actively find things to be negative about, or contrive situations to be negative about, and it’s never their fault, there’s always someone else to blame for maximum sympathy.

There is always a marked self-absorption and superiority with regards to their sob stories – it is always about them (never about the other party in the proceedings, although they may mention them in a ‘sympathetic’ manner while saying they themselves are a truly horrible person for doing these things to the other party – there’s no sympathy for the other party, only for them!!), and it is always so much bigger, so much more painful, so much all encompassing than anyone else’s sob story ever.  Broke up with someone?  So much more painful and horrific than anyone else’s break up ever.

Covert narcissists cannot have deep and meaningful relationships.

Not in the same way that non-narcissists can, in any event.  This is entirely down to their superiority, self absorption, and lack of empathy – they simply can’t care about another human being enough to develop those mutual deep bonds.

I must also mention that narcissists by and large are deeply insecure – their behaviours are predominantly around masking those insecurities.  A diagnosed narcissist commented that it’s not just that they’re insecure, it’s that they’re so insecure they loathe themselves.  They can’t stand the thought that another person could get to see what they are hiding, and so they keep people at arms length, forming only superficial bonds because they have hidden away their depths.

Covert narcissists blame everyone else for their problems.

It’s not their fault they don’t have a job, their previous job was absolute hell and they just had to quit.

It’s not their fault they’ve dropped out of uni, it’s the counselor’s fault for not being available, or it’s the car’s fault because it stopped working and they couldn’t get to uni, or it’s the professor’s fault for setting so much work … the list goes on!  I’ve even been blamed for someone’s failure at uni, living literally half way around the world from them and basically being their personal cheerleader!

It doesn’t matter what the problem is, it’s not their fault.  They accept no responsibility for their own actions, their own failures, or the consequences of their own actions.

“He/she/they made me do it,” is a common response to why they did a certain thing.  “I had no choice,” is another.

If you are dealing with a covert narcissist in your life…

My heart well and truly goes out to you – it is a painful and intensely stressful experience.  I myself have completely cut the covert narcissists from my life, and life has improved all the more for it.  If you have the opportunity, I would suggest you do so yourself, as they will not change and will only drag your mood down.

They are also likely to do similar things to grandiose narcissists, such as isolating you from family and friends, and talking badly about you to other people so they dislike you (which is admittedly also an isolating tactic).  This makes you more reliant on them, and so when they go from the love bomb phase into the narcissistic abuse phase (something I’ll discuss in a later post), you are less likely to leave and more likely to take the abuse and be their ‘supply’.

If you are feeling isolated, or suspect you may be the ‘supply’ for a covert or overt narcissist, my inbox is always open.

It’s okay, you are not alone.

 

Workplace Bullying

Bones

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Specific words and responses in the past week have led me to understand that I am currently the target of an active bullying campaign from a colleague, and have been since I joined.

From the very beginning she made it clear through her body language, dismissive attitude, word usage and tone of voice that I am Not Welcome and she Does Not Like Me.  Which is fine, I’m quite happy to leave her be and do my own thing and not unnecessarily interact with her so she doesn’t get annoyed and I don’t get snapped at.  This is a simple solution.  I know I’m not everyone’s cuppa tea and I’m happy to leave people be.

Last week she commented in a meeting to the effect of “you’re not doing your job”, a comment she never would have made had she not been confident she would be backed up.  And, unsurprisingly, she was – three of my other colleagues jumped in with very pointed comments on the topic at hand directed solely at me, in a manner that made me feel very attacked (although I didn’t quite understand until after the fact).  She was elated after that display.  Positively beaming.  It made me realise a few things.

First, that I wasn’t going to let this slide.  Passive bullying, being an ass to me directly, not a problem.  I can just avoid that person and we’ll all go on our happy way, but this was active.  She was seeking people out and telling them I wasn’t able to do my job.  She was cultivating this belief in my incompetence among other colleagues.  No, this I will not tolerate.

Secondly, just how much the stress of bullying has affected my mental and physical health!

I’ve always had a peculiar disconnect between my mind and my body.  Prior to a few years ago, I just didn’t think, I didn’t contemplate, I didn’t look within and analyse my own thoughts, feelings, or behaviours.  I just did, and bottled it all up.  Super healthy, right?

Now I take the time to figure out what my body and mind are telling me, and everything is ringing stress bells.  My gastrointestinal tract became deeply upset.  My mind couldn’t settle.  I was restless and antsy.  My heart rate was high.  I had difficulties getting to sleep, maintaining a restful sleep, and staying asleep.  I genuinely did not think I would be this affected by bullying in the workplace, and yet here I am, my anxiety still twisting in my gut.

I’ve lodged a complaint, and I’ll pursue this.  I think I’ll let the higher ups handle it – I don’t think it will be good for my health to interact with her myself in any way, especially as I am very confident she will simply gaslight me and I will end up getting nowhere.  I’m only there for a couple more months, and if I really need to, I will leave.  Although that’d have to be pretty dire for me to leave, I often have a hard time doing what’s best for myself when it comes to work.

But I’ve got to look after my health first.