Tag: communication

Today I Lost A Friend (And I Caused It)

Bones

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Today I lost a friend, and I caused that loss.  I’m sad.  Actually, more devastated.  She has been my very close friend throughout this year at university, but prior to that we were friends for about 3 years.

We were going to do a thing together, one that had major financial implications for me, and a lot of time investment from her.  I decided it was not going to work for me, it was not something I wanted to do at all, I told her before she devoted herself to it.  We’d both put some time into it, her more than I, and she’d put some money into it, but neither of us would lose a huge amount.

I decided it wasn’t going to work for me for a number of reasons, some of which were friendship problems (I didn’t think our friendship would survive the business relationship), and the other of which I would be putting in a lot of money that I would rather put to use elsewhere.  Like a deposit for buying my first house.  Or implement some new thing to help with my fibromyalgia or trigeminal neuralgia.

Talking to other friends (right now) is making me realise there were other cracks in our friendship long before now.  There were controlling aspects, an imbalance in the dynamic of the relationship (I was assigned the role of helpless invalid which, at the time, I must admit I was, but it never changed as I became less helpless).

There was an issue wherein she demanded control over my actions and I did not cede to it, because my assessment of the situation was different to hers.  This was a major point of contention, with her continually stating that I had a fear of losing control, that I did not trust her because I did not relinquish complete control to her, and that that was hurtful.  I hadn’t realised until now how manipulative that is.

Okay, so I lost someone I felt was a very close friend because I put myself first in a situation that would have a major impact on me and said this is not something I am going to do.  I want to keep the friendship, and I do not feel it will survive a business partnership, and I am unwilling to mix those.  Therefore I will not do it.

She noped right out the door and locked it after her.  And damn if that doesn’t hurt.

Accepting Limitations

Bones

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I’ve been feeling pretty darned good these last couple of weeks.

I’ve had more energy.  I’ve had more cheer.  I’ve been jogging (gasp) – very slowly and only for a very short amount of time.  I’ve been generally doing more.  The pain has been at a manageable level – never completely gone, but gone enough that a mild to moderate value distraction is enough to put it out of my mind.

Yesterday morning we had a start time of 7.00am.  I was up at 5 so I could get everything ready and be there by 6.45am.  It was early and I was stiff and sore already – not good considering I would be in a stressful situation and on my feet and moving constantly for the next 3 hours.

It was hard work – there was a lot going on, mostly things went well but we had a few panics, and I was well occupied.  I lasted until about 9.30 when the fatigue hit, and by the time we were wrapping it up at 10 I was in a lot of pain and just absolutely glazed.  We cleaned up and left for our lecture from 10.30am to 12.00pm, which I am fairly sure I slept through with my eyes open.  We had our one hour lunch break, and then were back in from 1-3.

By the time I got home at 4.30 I was barely capable of seeing straight.  I slept like the dead last night.

Today I’m still exhausted and in pain.  I’ve spent most of the morning lying down with my legs up on the back of the couch, which seems to be the most comfortable position for me when I’m in pain.

This has been a reminder that I have limitations, and my limitations are a lot closer than normal people’s limitations.  This has been a reminder that I have a chronic debilitating condition that causes fatigue and pain when I overreach myself.

This has also been a reminder that I need to communicate this to my team and the teaching staff more promptly so that I am still able to do what I need to do, but I don’t get to point of burnout like I did yesterday.

I still haven’t quite accepted that I can’t do everything other people do.  I still need to be reminded by my dear friend that I can’t just build a cabin on wheels in a week or two (that’s another story).  But I’m learning, and with each reminder I learn more.

The Language(s) of Love

Bones

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I have had the pleasure of my amazing human for nearly two years now.

During this time our communication has morphed from what we thought it should be to a proper reflection of who we are as people.  We both have aspergers.  We both have had challenging interpersonal relationships because of this.  We both have subconscious ‘normal filters’ and a culture influenced view of how relationships should be.

Earlier on he would say “I love you too” when I told him I loved him.  Now he makes happy noises and rocks, which is his way of saying “I love you too”.  It means exactly the same thing, but this is how he communicates best.

Now those happy noises and rocking can mean anything from ‘this is exciting’ to ‘I love you’, but they’re always positive feelings.  It just depends on the context.

This used to bug me a bit – not the noises or the obvious sentiment behind them, but the fact that he wouldn’t say the words “I love you too”, because I like words.  It’s not that I don’t understand what he’s communicating, but rather that I want the words, because I’m used to words, and I use words.

These days I’m a lot more relaxed.  I don’t need the words.  I like words, but I don’t need them.  One day I might, and I will tell him then that I need the words at that time.  But right now, I see more love in his smile and in his eyes than words could convey, and his happy noises bring me joy.