Today my mind is racing. Yesterday I was invited out to a social gathering by a neighbour. They have dogs. I have dog. There was going to be a big dog meet up nearby with a walk and a trip to the cafe. At the time I thought it was a great idea! So I said I’d probably see them there.
I got home and panicked. I slept badly. Now I’m sitting in my house, hours past the meet up, wired up and anxious and trying to figure out where it all went wrong. My mind is pulling up all sorts of excuses – my dog wasn’t too bright this morning, I slept badly, I couldn’t afford the coffee (I’ve just over-extended myself sorting out two very very large bills), I’m not feeling well … at the end of the day, I suspect it’s a mixture of social anxiety and an element of too much sensory input.
It’s even harder when you don’t have their number to say ‘hey sorry, anxiety is really bad today, I’m going to camp it out inside’ and you actually have to go over there and say so. Which I will do this afternoon. I have found people are a lot more understanding when you say ‘I have anxiety and today is a bad day’ or ‘I have autism and need a quiet day’.
But as a result of all of this anxiety, I’m shut down today, down to emergency services only. I don’t feel up to cleaning, I don’t feel up to doing anything except wrapping myself up on the couch and watching TV. Which is compounding my stress a bit because I have things to do and I just don’t have the energy.
So I’m going to tell myself it’s okay, wrap up warm, put on something nice, have a cuppa tea, and we’ll try again later this afternoon. The world is not going to end because I didn’t vacuum this week.
(In writing this I’ve calmed down considerably, and now feel like I can relax.)