I’ve been having dreams, nightmares, whatever you want to call it, I’ve been having it. It invariably involves one or the other of my past abusers.
My usual nightmare involves It, the narcissist I was with for the longest, the one who caused the most damage, and my PTSD. It typically involves him returning, and just assuming that the relationship is back on, and I fake it. I fake it to hide my relationship with my amazing human being – which is basically what I’m doing now, minus the being in a relationship with him part, and more with him being on the other side of the world (THANK FUCK).
My first abuser was in my dream last night. Then, later on in the dream, I did what I have always dreaded doing. I said Its name instead of my amazing human being’s name.
Sometimes, in the awake world, It’s name will be on the tip of my tongue instead of my amazing human’s name. I don’t speak when that happens. I have almost been away from him for the same length of time as I was with him, but some scars take longer to heal than others.
All of this has … done something to me. I feel flat and anxious at the same time. I don’t want to do anything. I want to bundle up in a blanket and drink tea and watch Forensic Files.
And unfortunately I can’t today. Or at least not all day. I have adulting I must do before I can be an amorphous blob.