Tag: walk to wellness

Accepting Limitations

Bones

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I’ve been feeling pretty darned good these last couple of weeks.

I’ve had more energy.  I’ve had more cheer.  I’ve been jogging (gasp) – very slowly and only for a very short amount of time.  I’ve been generally doing more.  The pain has been at a manageable level – never completely gone, but gone enough that a mild to moderate value distraction is enough to put it out of my mind.

Yesterday morning we had a start time of 7.00am.  I was up at 5 so I could get everything ready and be there by 6.45am.  It was early and I was stiff and sore already – not good considering I would be in a stressful situation and on my feet and moving constantly for the next 3 hours.

It was hard work – there was a lot going on, mostly things went well but we had a few panics, and I was well occupied.  I lasted until about 9.30 when the fatigue hit, and by the time we were wrapping it up at 10 I was in a lot of pain and just absolutely glazed.  We cleaned up and left for our lecture from 10.30am to 12.00pm, which I am fairly sure I slept through with my eyes open.  We had our one hour lunch break, and then were back in from 1-3.

By the time I got home at 4.30 I was barely capable of seeing straight.  I slept like the dead last night.

Today I’m still exhausted and in pain.  I’ve spent most of the morning lying down with my legs up on the back of the couch, which seems to be the most comfortable position for me when I’m in pain.

This has been a reminder that I have limitations, and my limitations are a lot closer than normal people’s limitations.  This has been a reminder that I have a chronic debilitating condition that causes fatigue and pain when I overreach myself.

This has also been a reminder that I need to communicate this to my team and the teaching staff more promptly so that I am still able to do what I need to do, but I don’t get to point of burnout like I did yesterday.

I still haven’t quite accepted that I can’t do everything other people do.  I still need to be reminded by my dear friend that I can’t just build a cabin on wheels in a week or two (that’s another story).  But I’m learning, and with each reminder I learn more.

Massage Therapy and Fibromyalgia

Bones

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I have always found I benefited from a deep tissue massage.  When working in my more boutique workplaces, we would have heavily subsidised 15-20 minute back massages every fortnight in the office.  The good ones would get right in there with their thumbs and elbows, while the not so good ones would give a formulaic “back rub”.

Unfortunately for me the waiting list for the local (good) masseuse is … rather long, and they’re not exactly cheap.  Which is good, they are worth the money, only it’s money I don’t have for regular massages.  So when a shiatsu massage pillow came up for sale on one of the facebook groups I’m on, I leaped at the chance!

I’ve had it for just over a week now.  I’ve used it every night.  It is amazing.

The first night I wholeheartedly over did it.  I slowly worked my way down my entire back, pressed the shiatsu balls to my hips and legs, to the pressure points around my knees.  It was too much at once, and while I felt sick the next day, I also felt less painful.

I’ve used it almost every night since and I have seen a tremendous improvement in my overall wellbeing.  I typically spend an hour slowly working my way down my back.  I really notice when I haven’t done my lower back properly – my hips ache a lot more if I haven’t.  I go all the way to the ischial tuberosity in the butt cheeks.  If I have time, I do the undersides of my thighs and my calves, by propping the massage pillow up on another pillow while sitting on the couch.

For me, I feel like a lot of my issues stem from nervous innervation from my lower back – these are the areas that are most affected for me, from my gastrointestinal tract downwards.  It stands to reason, then, that heated massage to bring circulation and relaxation to my lower back would improve things.

And it really, really has.  I haven’t been using my cane as much.  I’ve been doing more, feeling better, having a clearer head, and being in less pain.  It has been amazing.

I’m now eyeballing what I can get to do the entirety of my back in one sitting, instead of having to ease the pillow down step by step (and missing bits of my back) over an hour.  I’m sure there’ll be something suitable!

A Big “Fuck You” Kind Of Day

Bones

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It’s a beautiful day.

The sun is shining, the breeze keeps it cool enough to wear pants, all the animals are curled up and snoozing, and I have a large break from university.

I just want to scream at the world and hit inanimate objects and swear at the sky and flip off the butterflies.

They’ve done nothing to offend me, I’m just having a big “fuck you” kind of day.

It’s one of those days where I feel itchy inside my own skin, as though it’s wrong.  It’s one of those days where my elbow aches and my stomach won’t unclench and I have a permanent unimpressed bitchface going on.

I’ve done some woosah.  I’ve listened to my relaxing music and done my best to let it sweep me away.  I’ve done some stretches to ease my sore muscles.  I’ve stretched my back.  My last port of call is going to be a few minutes out in the sun.

Even though I’m doing all of these things, and they’re not quite working enough, I’m not fighting the feeling of almost manic anxiety and frustration.  Not fighting it takes conscious thought and effort, because we naturally want to push away the bad feelings and not feel them.  Unfortunately, that makes the bad feelings worse, because fighting them is also a negative feeling.

So when I’m having one of these days and I notice myself getting pent up trying to fight off the bad feelings, I take a big deep breath and relax my stomach as I exhale.  I take another deep breath and relax my stomach further, then work on my shoulders, my neck, and lastly my face.  I make ridiculous faces as I stretch out my muscles from their scrowl and reset my eyebrows, the muscles around my eyes (which always pinch when I’m stressed), my mouth and my chin.

And I just do this every time I notice I get pent up, which is every few minutes.

It’s interesting how much of an impact your facial features have on your mentality.  Or the way your body is, how clenched your stomach is, how tight your hips are.

Mental state is tied intrinsically with body state.  They influence one another, and a change in one produces a change in the other.  So it stands to reason that in order to relax the mind, one must also relax the body.

There are many methods of relaxing the body.  I find using music helps, as it gives me an external thing to focus on while I work my way through my muscle groups.  I also find lying in the sun helps, as the sun warms tight muscles and helps them relax.

It’s difficult to not go boneless like a cat in the sun!

 

Photo by W A T A R I on Unsplash

Being Open

Bones

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I have slowly but surely begun to come out of my shell of …  some of it was self pity, most of it was self care.  Regardless, I have been unclenching myself and allowing myself to be more open and honest with everyone around me about my difficulties.

Some days it’s harder than others.

Some people say “I can cure you, I promise!” and I ignore them, because there is no cure for fibromyalgia, generalised anxiety, and PTSD.  There is only management.

Some of them look at me strangely.  I am sharing too much of myself, and the honesty has made them uncomfortable.  Even the superficial information makes them uncomfortable – I’d never want to see their faces if I were to describe anything in any detail or depth.

And then others say “I am walking the same path you are, and it sucks, and I am here for you”.  They say “this is what I have found useful for me, it may be useful for you”.  They say “I know what you feel”.

It is worth the other reactions to find the ones who understand, the ones who are going through something similar to what you are going through.  Because you need people who understand you, and you need people you understand.  Who speak your language and intimately know the trials you are going through.  There is such compassion in those people.

But there’s another benefit to being open – you’re not bottling it all up.  By letting it out, you’re owning your trauma and releasing it in some way.  I’ve felt lighter since being more open about everything.  It’s a relief.

“I can cure you … promise!”

Bones

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The number of times I have heard those words in the last few months since I have “come out” as having fibromyalgia is astronomical.

“I can cure you, promise!”

The first one was from a very pushy relative who exploded my inbox with con-man speak – you know the kind of language I’m talking about, that overly grand and emotive language people at things like the Landmark forum use to hook you in.  “Do it for your mum!” was a big one which nearly made me spit the dummy and tell her to sod off – if I’m going to do anything, it will be for me and not for anyone else, so I can hold myself accountable and not put that pressure on another being.  No one else should be the one I ‘change’ for, that’s unfair to them or to myself.

I was told I had to eat these particular foods all the time, fresh bone broth at least once a day, do all these things, and take all these essential oils and then just keep taking these for ever and you’re cured!

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The second time was yesterday.  I spoke to a friendly acquaintance who didn’t know what fibromyalgia was, so I explained it simply, and then told me she could cure it.

It’s all an autoimmune thing, prozac is causing everything, you shouldn’t be on any medications at all because they’re all bad and they’re all going to destroy your brain and leave you unable to function, look at us we’re over 65 and we’re not on any medication at all because we take supplements and essential oils!  Take these supplements and essential oils and you’ll be cured!

See, here’s what everyone seems to get wrong:  other than pedaling snake oil, to ‘cure’ means to ‘eliminate the disease or condition’.  None of the above are ‘curing’ the condition, because if those things were effective, once I stopped doing all those things, oh look the pain is back.

The first is literally too energy intensive for me to try, and given to me in such an overly pushy manner that I’m just saying no, get stuffed.  It all has a very false feel to it, and it feels to me like if I started down that path, I would just get sucked into more and more things and it would all go badly.

The second is the exact opposite of what I want to do.  I want to stay on my medication.  It is working.  It is helping.  It is not completely eradicating all symptoms, but it is minimising them to a point where I can continue with my life and do most of the things I need to do without being in undue pain and exhaustion.

I’m not against supplements (or essential oils) – I’m taking a whole host of them as it is, and they’re what started this whole journey in the first place.  I am against relying exclusively on them for a serious and complex set of medical conditions.  They are an adjunct therapy, not an exclusive one.