Tag: walk to wellness

The Abuser Returns

Bones

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I am quite fortunate in that my abuser now lives in a completely different country.  This means I don’t have to worry about It (I’ve decided to call my abuser It from here-on-in) ‘being in the area’.  I don’t have to worry about It bumping into any of my friends in our city of birth.  I don’t have to worry about bumping into It when I’m in the city, either.  This keeps my stress levels relatively low.  I can have my own life, and feed It very select bits of my life.

It’s going to be in the country.  It’s returning for a brief period of time.  Even though It will be half a country away, I’m in a state of dissociated panic.  I am under no illusions that It can find where I live with only a cursory look, were It so minded, and I am not so far away that It could not “visit”, despite It only being in the country for a few days.

I am really hoping Its narcissistic arrogance, and the fact that in order to find my address, It would have to access a website that has more negative implications for It than for me, will prevent It from looking me up.

I do not want It coming near me or the life I’ve made for myself.  I still have to ‘make nice’ with It, and I don’t think I could face-to-face.  I think I would just start screaming, and I’m pretty sure that’s not considered a ‘suitable greeting’ for someone you are supposedly ‘amicable’ with.  I had nightmares last night about It.  For the first time in months It was in my dreams again, tormenting me.

I will need to be very careful to get a lot of sleep over the next week or so, and do nice things that involve staying inside and basically hiding.  Whenever I’m outside I’m going to be on extreme high-alert for It, so distraction is going to be key to surviving the coming week.

I Did Too Much At The Wrong Time

Bones

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I did too much at the wrong time.  I knew I was starting to come down with something, but the weather was so lovely and I had things to do … so I did too much.

Last night I got home exhausted but kept on doing things.  I didn’t dive into bed like I should have.  Instead, I did a bit of (necessary) adulting correspondence, some crocheting, and actively watched some TV.  Then I napped on the couch, which never quite equates to ‘restful sleep’.

As a result, today I feel rather like death warmed up and chucked through the flu.  My workmate took one look at me and said “you look terrible, go home” so, at just past 10.30, that’s exactly what I did.

Now I’m going to lie in bed with the windows open just a bit to let in the wonderful fresh air, I’m going to put Forensic Files on, and I’m going to sleep.  Hopefully one (or many) of the furry horde will join me in bed and I’ll have a cuddle buddy (or two).  But it’s a timely reminder to pay attention to what my body is saying, and to really pay attention when I feel like I’m coming down with something.

Always take care of yourself, even if it means not ‘making the most’ of a sunny weekend.  You can always make the most of a sunny weekend by napping.  You don’t have to go out and do what other people say you should do.

Settled In Fluoxetine

Bones

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I’ve been on fluoxetine (prozac) for about 6 weeks now (maybe 7).

The first week was amazing and weird – I felt like I was high all the time, and I fell asleep less than an hour after I took it.  I decided to take the fluoxetine at night so that I could sleep through the worst of the side effects, if there were any, and it seemed to put me to sleep really quick.  It was a good choice for me.  That first week I felt what it was like to have no anxiety or depression, and it was incredible.

The second week was okay.  I had a clear mind, I was more awake and alert, and overall I had more energy.  I just didn’t want to do anything, and that was fine.

The third week was pretty shit.  I had all that clear mind and awake and alert and a shitty brain.  My thoughts were very negative and anxious and I couldn’t shake the mood.  It didn’t impact my body the same way it normally does, though, I didn’t feel completely exhausted and wiped out.  I still wanted to be an amorphous blob, but I at least had the energy to do what I needed to do.

I did discover, part way through the second week, that my sleeping patterns were turning to crap and I wasn’t getting solid sleep (thanks Sleep Cycle), and I was tired.  I wasn’t achingly tired, but I was wired and tired.

Fourth week I realised I was getting back to me, the sassy little sasspot I used to be before I was wrapped up in narcissists.  I was no longer desperate to please people and to be non confrontational.  One of the people at work said something passingly racist about one of the people I work for, and instead of doing my usual pinchy-smile and feel uncomfortable, my first reaction was anger, and I let it show.  I couldn’t vocalise it, but I could at least show it in my face.  This was a huge moment for me, because I hadn’t done this in almost a decade.  I have been conditioned and abused hard to just not.  People please.  Make no waves.  Submit.

It was at the start of week five that I switched my fluoxetine to morning – I did a 6 hour step each day for two days to shift my medication taking the full 12 hours.  My sleeping patterns began to improve, although they are still not quite back to my usual solid sleeping.

Fifth and sixth weeks have been good.  Really good.  I’m much happier, I’m much sassier, I’m much more honest with myself and others about my needs.  I am more able to say ‘I just need to check out a bit’ when I’m in a situation that is overstimulating.  I am more able to say ‘no’ to people and situations that are not good for me.

I still have anxiety.  I still have depression.  I still have PTSD and panic attacks and meltdowns, but they’re more manageable.  I have enough headspace to take action to make my severely anxious days … less shit.  The depression doesn’t suck the life out of me.

And I will say this:  I wish I had been on prozac a decade ago.  

If you are thinking about medication, talk to your physician about it.  Organise your life so you have absolute minimal to-do for the first couple of weeks.  Go to absolute bare minimum, and let people around you know what’s happening so they can check on you.  And then take the plunge.  You may need to try a few different ones – everyone is unique, and every drug affects people in different ways.  Talk to people about your side effects, any quirks you’re having, and take their input on board, and give your physician honest feedback.  Don’t be afraid to say, after 3 weeks, ‘this isn’t quite working for me, can we please try something else’.

You are worth enjoying your life.

Social Anxiety

Bones

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Today my mind is racing.  Yesterday I was invited out to a social gathering by a neighbour.  They have dogs.  I have dog.  There was going to be a big dog meet up nearby with a walk and a trip to the cafe.  At the time I thought it was a great idea!  So I said I’d probably see them there.

I got home and panicked.  I slept badly.  Now I’m sitting in my house, hours past the meet up, wired up and anxious and trying to figure out where it all went wrong.  My mind is pulling up all sorts of excuses – my dog wasn’t too bright this morning, I slept badly, I couldn’t afford the coffee (I’ve just over-extended myself sorting out two very very large bills), I’m not feeling well …  at the end of the day, I suspect it’s a mixture of social anxiety and an element of too much sensory input.

It’s even harder when you don’t have their number to say ‘hey sorry, anxiety is really bad today, I’m going to camp it out inside’ and you actually have to go over there and say so.  Which I will do this afternoon.  I have found people are a lot more understanding when you say ‘I have anxiety and today is a bad day’ or ‘I have autism and need a quiet day’.

But as a result of all of this anxiety, I’m shut down today, down to emergency services only.  I don’t feel up to cleaning, I don’t feel up to doing anything except wrapping myself up on the couch and watching TV.  Which is compounding my stress a bit because I have things to do and I just don’t have the energy.

So I’m going to tell myself it’s okay, wrap up warm, put on something nice, have a cuppa tea, and we’ll try again later this afternoon.  The world is not going to end because I didn’t vacuum this week.

(In writing this I’ve calmed down considerably, and now feel like I can relax.)

A Not-Really Inspirational Depression Blog

Bones

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I have a fairly simple policy with my writing in all forms.  I will write for myself, and just hope that there will be other people in similar situations or of similar mindsets who may enjoy and/or benefit from what I have written.

I have depression and anxiety (amongst other things).  While I’m being medicated for it, the medication doesn’t stop me from being anxious or depressed.  It just makes it … less severe.  I still have negative thoughts, I still have panic attacks, I still have episodes of acute anxiety to stimulus, but I have a bit more mental clarity.  I have that tiny bit more headspace, alertness, ability to cope with it.  I think.

But I still don’t really have that much motivation, and I’m very deliberately not launching into ‘I’m totally going to do this, this and this all the time because it’s good for me’.  I have very limited energy right now, so I’m carefully selecting and doing really small things that help build me (from the ground up) into a healthier, more positive space.  If I can’t do that thing one day / week, that’s fine, I cut back to basics and wait until I have energy again.  I’m not going to suggest going out for a hike, or taking up yoga, or drinking kale smoothies because I don’t have the energy for that, and I know most other people with depression don’t either.  I’m not going to suggest taking a long bath, or cleaning your room, because when just having a shower is exhausting, cleaning your room is going to be too much as well.  Eating well is all well and good, but that also requires effort, energy, and thought.

It’s important for people with depression to realise that it’s okay.  It’s okay to not be okay.  It’s okay to not get out of bed for days.  It’s okay to not go outside.  It’s okay to not do dishes.  It’s okay to not do washing.  It.  Is.  Okay.

Take it right back to basics.  You can get up to pee?  Take a glass of water back to bed with you.  Can’t make a meal to eat?  Cereal and milk (if you can, chop a banana or another easy fruit that you like on top) is a perfectly acceptable meal (I’ll often do oats, flax seed, a sprinkle of LSA and a chopped banana).  Can’t do the dishes?  Buy plastic plates.  You are allowed to do things to make your life easier!  You are not required to do all these things you are “supposed to do”!

Be kind to yourself.  I don’t just mean pamper yourself, or love yourself, because if you’re ambivalent about yourself while you’re depressed you’re doing well.  I mean give yourself permission to not do things.  Spend a few minutes every few hours assessing your energy levels and how much you feel you can expend.

No energy?  That’s okay, cuddle back into bed or back onto the couch and nap.  If you can, a cuppa tea is often warming and comforting.  I personally love Earl Grey if I want caffeinated, or rooibos tea (with milk and honey) if it’s later in the day.

Little bit of energy?  Cool!  Next time you get up to pee, do a little thing.  I’ll often take a couple of mugs that I have inevitably forgotten on the arm of the couch into the kitchen and put them in the dishwasher when I get up for any reason.

Got a bit more energy?  Neat!  Is there one thing you would really like to start on today?  Wiping down one bench top is enough!  Picking up tissues and putting them in the bin is enough!  If you feel you are able to do more, that’s awesome!  Be sure to not just use that energy on cleaning or cooking, but also on yourself.  Having a shower and putting on fresh undies makes a world of difference.  Clean sheets are luxurious.

It has taken me a very long time to realise and even longer to accept that I can’t do everything, and that’s okay.  It took reading it, over and over again, for me to get the picture.  It’s hard, I’ve actually got a lot to do and a lot to organise and a lot of associated anxiety with it.  But I’m making decisions to make my life easier – like paying someone to clean the crate I haven’t cleaned in over a year that’s been living in my garage and I really need to return to the person I borrowed it from.  And asking friends to help me do tasks I just can’t bring myself to face, like sort out my wardrobe and get rid of all the shit I don’t wear (which is about 90% of my clothes).  It turns an insurmountable task into a fun, manageable one with two pairs of hands, some chocolate, and some good music.  And most of the time, we say ‘yeah we’ll totally do that’ and then end up vegging out on the couch, and that’s also totally okay.

So please, if you’re reading this and you’re depressed, just remember, it’s okay.