Tag: self care

Sleep and Mental Health

Bones

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These are two things that are intrinsically linked.  The better quality sleep you have, the better your overall mental health.  And, typically, the better your overall mental health, the better quality sleep you have.

And yet sleep is often the most difficult thing to get in sufficient quantities or quality to maintain good mental health.  It’s often one of the first things affected.  Either you sleep more, or you sleep less.  Or the quality just goes to crap.  You’re able to track these things with sleep tracking apps (my favourite is Sleep Cycle, but that’s mainly because I used to use it years ago and I don’t like change) which give you a rough idea of how deeply you’ve slept, and the length of time you’ve slept.  Its main use is looking blearily at it first thing in the morning wondering why on earth I feel like absolute crap and seeing very little deep sleep and going ‘oh, okay, that’s why’.

There are things I’ve found to improve sleep quality and quantity.  One of them is dietary supplements.  I’ve found magnesium (taken at night – I don’t know if this actually has an affect) calms the nerves and allows better quality sleep over a long period of time.  Taking magnesium was the first step I took in my walk to wellness.  I’ve also just started taking sublingual B12 drops, so we’ll see if that helps the muscle fatigue and aches and resistance to relaxation that plagues me.

Other than those two, I’ve found that I am able to fall asleep on the couch (not nap, no, this is proper sleep) when I have Forensic Files on the TV at a very specific volume.  I apparently can no longer fall asleep in bed unless I have either the amazing human being or the amazing dog on / in the bed with me, so on evenings where amazing human being is doing his amazing human thing past my bedtime … I don’t go to bed.  I put Forensic Files on, flip my hood over my face, and fall asleep on the couch.  It works a lot better than trying to fall asleep in bed.  And, bonus, I know I can zonk out early if I need to catch up on a bit of sleep.

Sometimes when sleep is being insanely stubborn, I’ll fall back on guided meditation to put me to sleep.  It’s important to find the right guided meditation for you – some voices are going to agitate you, and aren’t going to sit right.  Others deliver it in the wrong way.  I prefer male voices, mainly because my ears are incredibly sensitive to treble, and I get very stressed when I’m trying to find something to soothe me and it just makes my ears hurt.

I’m not yet at the stage where I’m contemplating medication to help sleep, but I know of a lot of people who are, and who do.  It’s important to note that if you need that much help to get to sleep, you need that much help to get you to sleep.

And now it’s time to fall asleep to Forensic Files, because I slept like crap last night.

The Problem With Spending

Bones

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I just bought something.  For myself.  I didn’t need it – it’ll make things easier, but I didn’t need it, and I didn’t need it now.  There was a sale on, it was a bit cheaper than it would normally be, and I could afford it.

But the conditioning from an early age – I was an anxious and empathetic middle child, and mother’s face got so pinchy when I needed new shoes or clothes and I hated it – and the decade of abuse from a narcissist obsessed with money and the perception of power, going straight into being an impoverished student with too many animals, has meant that I cannot spend money.  If I spend money on myself bad things will happen and I won’t be able to afford to pay for the things I have to pay for.

Because that’s what would happen.  I would budget, make sure we could afford everything, give myself nothing to spend, and he would spend it all and fuck the budget.  My mind damn near exploded when I had a problem that would require financial input this year … and I realised that I could pay for it and no one would fuck up my budget so I couldn’t.  But I still couldn’t spend money on myself.

So I, understandably, panicked.  I felt guilty.  I felt awful!  I’d just spent money that didn’t need to be spent!

A friend of mine, who experiences these same issues, suggested that I budget in ‘my money’, the money I’m allowed to put aside and spend on whatever I want and is separate from my savings.  I will definitely start doing that, because I have difficulty with the ‘savings’ distinction.  I have difficulty identifying what it’s there for, but now I will have two ‘savings’.  One is for emergencies.  The other is for me to spend on myself.  On whatever I want.

The Abuser Returns

Bones

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I am quite fortunate in that my abuser now lives in a completely different country.  This means I don’t have to worry about It (I’ve decided to call my abuser It from here-on-in) ‘being in the area’.  I don’t have to worry about It bumping into any of my friends in our city of birth.  I don’t have to worry about bumping into It when I’m in the city, either.  This keeps my stress levels relatively low.  I can have my own life, and feed It very select bits of my life.

It’s going to be in the country.  It’s returning for a brief period of time.  Even though It will be half a country away, I’m in a state of dissociated panic.  I am under no illusions that It can find where I live with only a cursory look, were It so minded, and I am not so far away that It could not “visit”, despite It only being in the country for a few days.

I am really hoping Its narcissistic arrogance, and the fact that in order to find my address, It would have to access a website that has more negative implications for It than for me, will prevent It from looking me up.

I do not want It coming near me or the life I’ve made for myself.  I still have to ‘make nice’ with It, and I don’t think I could face-to-face.  I think I would just start screaming, and I’m pretty sure that’s not considered a ‘suitable greeting’ for someone you are supposedly ‘amicable’ with.  I had nightmares last night about It.  For the first time in months It was in my dreams again, tormenting me.

I will need to be very careful to get a lot of sleep over the next week or so, and do nice things that involve staying inside and basically hiding.  Whenever I’m outside I’m going to be on extreme high-alert for It, so distraction is going to be key to surviving the coming week.

I Did Too Much At The Wrong Time

Bones

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I did too much at the wrong time.  I knew I was starting to come down with something, but the weather was so lovely and I had things to do … so I did too much.

Last night I got home exhausted but kept on doing things.  I didn’t dive into bed like I should have.  Instead, I did a bit of (necessary) adulting correspondence, some crocheting, and actively watched some TV.  Then I napped on the couch, which never quite equates to ‘restful sleep’.

As a result, today I feel rather like death warmed up and chucked through the flu.  My workmate took one look at me and said “you look terrible, go home” so, at just past 10.30, that’s exactly what I did.

Now I’m going to lie in bed with the windows open just a bit to let in the wonderful fresh air, I’m going to put Forensic Files on, and I’m going to sleep.  Hopefully one (or many) of the furry horde will join me in bed and I’ll have a cuddle buddy (or two).  But it’s a timely reminder to pay attention to what my body is saying, and to really pay attention when I feel like I’m coming down with something.

Always take care of yourself, even if it means not ‘making the most’ of a sunny weekend.  You can always make the most of a sunny weekend by napping.  You don’t have to go out and do what other people say you should do.