Tag: recovery

When the Fog Lifts

Bones

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These last few days it has felt like the sun has finally risen in my head and a miasma of illness has cleared.  I must have been a lot sicker than I realised, because looking back, it seems as though my head hasn’t been clear in weeks.

Now, finally, I’m feeling alert, like I have some actual energy and ability to do things again.  It’s a lovely feeling after so long of not.

I’ve been taking full advantage of it while it’s here – I’m reorganising my lounge so I have my reading and crafting nook (where a large chair will eventually be placed).  The amazing human has organised his desk so he has more room and it’s tidier and how he wants it to be.  I’m keeping my eyes out for shelving I can put in various areas of the lounge so I can unpack some of the remaining four boxes of books I have.  I steam cleaned a test area of the carpet.  I’m prepping to clean all the sofa cushion covers…

Spring has sprung, both literally and within me.  I find this cycle every year – it’s not until days not only start getting longer, but we actually start to get more sun and nicer weather (especially on weekends, as I don’t get out much during the week days), that my energy levels return and I’m able to function as a normal human being.

It helps immensely that my physio made a minor adjustment to my pelvic rotation and spine.  It was a minor adjustment that has had a massive impact.  I’m able to walk a lot more easily, relax my whole back, and stand up straighter.  This in turn has helped with my shoulders and neck being overly tight (they’re a lot looser now), releasing tension at the base of my skull and resulting in a lot less neck pain and an almost immediate cessation of headaches.

I find it interesting how much a few tense muscles can affect your whole body.

Fixing The Diet

Bones

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I have just had a shitty last few days (in so many ways), and it’s still going!  The fever has broken, the delirium has lifted, the fever-induced aches have gone, leaving me exhausted and still sore, and with a very upset gastrointestinal tract.

I have always had a sensitive gastrointestinal tract.  Right from when I was a bub, the rule of thumb was if you picked me up the wrong way I would upchuck.  Well it hasn’t gotten much better over time!  When I am disrespecting my stomach with foods I know it can’t quite cope with, it reminds me by waking me up at 2am to bring it right back up again.

I went on a gluten free keto-style diet years ago, and while it worked really well for bloating, the amount of fats I was required to consume made me physically ill.  I eventually found a balance point, but that all fell to bits when I moved countries and had to get reacquainted with a new array of foodstuffs.  I’ve been more-or-less okay until now, other than occasional instances of gastro that clear after a day or two in reaction to something or other.  I’ve even been able to eat small amounts of lamb and pork without bringing it back up (at 2am)!

This weekend I ate takeaways.  I shouldn’t have, the impact of this particular takeaway on my body has been slowly but surely increasing in a negative way over the past couple of months, and I suspect it finally hit peak ‘nope’ when it coincided with the first day of my period (which is always a time of gastrointestinal upset anyway).  The result?  PAIN AND POO.  Yes, that nasty ‘p’ word.  Except what was (and still is) coming out could barely be classified as that.

Which brings me to the actual topic of this particular post.  I’ve come to the conclusion that I can no longer eat whatever I want and just expect my body to be fine with it.  I wish I could, I really want to just be able to have a pain au chocolat and not feel like my insides are turning over, or have that piece of cake and not feel awful for the rest of the day.  I’d love to be able to eat takeaways because they’re so much easier than cooking.  But that is not my lot in life, apparently, so I’m going to have to suck it up.

My biggest problem is I am energy poor and, yes, lazy.  I’m not sure which came first, but the end result is I just don’t want to spend more than 30 minutes on making dinner, and that’s not even to talk about lunches.  Breakfasts are easy enough – I can swap my toast out for a big shake, I’ve done that before and I’ve felt a lot better for it.  But the rest – lunches and dinners – it’s just so much work.

So I have to keep telling myself:  suck it up.

I’ll be able to enact my master plan of changing up my diet this week.  I’ll get everything I need for my shakes, typically:

  • frozen fruit of some kind (mixed berry or straight mango is amazing)
  • banana
  • inoffensive (and cheap) protein powder with the largest difference in sugar and protein
  • milk
  • oats
  • LSA (if I remember)
  • coconut oil
  • sometimes plain unsweetened yoghurt.

Chuck it all in the blender in whatever proportions you like (I tend to go heavy on the fruit and oats and end up with something that more has to be eaten with a spoon than with a straw) and blend it.

Lunches … for now I’ll go with oats and milk and bananas until I can sort something a little more appealing, and dinners I’m going to wing it for now.  I’ve found a lovely recipe for hoki that I am so keen to try, as well as my old favourite orange salmon (the recipe of which escapes me).

It is a real challenge to change your diet when you’re exhausted and under the weather, but it’s times like these when you need that good diet the most.  (I still don’t want to, but I’m going to do it.)

The Possibility of Fibromyalgia

Bones

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It’s been a rollercoaster couple of weeks.  I mentioned to a friend – in passing – that I’d hurt my arm again (same site as an old injury) and of course now everything else hurt and she stopped me and said “that’s not normal”.

It was like a full set of black-out blinds had been lifted.  My body’s reactions to injury was not normal.  Nor was feeling achy all the time, or having stiff joints, or feeling like you’re constantly coming down with the flu.

I mentioned this to my GP when I saw him for more fluoxetine.  He mentioned that I may have fibromyalgia, and we talked it over, what the diagnostics was, what kinds of treatments there were, what it involved.

A lot of things suddenly make a lot of sense.

My muscles ache, despite them having no reason to ache.  My joints hurt.  Old injuries flare up.

I have no energy, despite how much rest I’m getting.  I sleep badly.  I feel utterly burnt out by the end of the week, and need to relax for the entire weekend to have enough energy for the following week, and even then sometimes it’s not enough.

I almost constantly feel like I’m coming down with the flu.

Noise is sometimes painful.  Some clothing is painful.  I can’t wear rings because some days they are too heavy to wear and physically hurt.  I dislike things around my wrist or my neck for the same reason.

I have issues with my memory.  Not that that’s exactly new, and I’ve worked around it by either doing a thing immediately or writing it down.  My rule at work is if it’s not written down I’m not going to do it.  I forget things I’ve recently done.  I forget names.  I forget nouns, or say completely different ones (which is more an aspie thing than anything else, and makes for amusing conversations).

I have heart palpitations, I have rush-of-blood-away-from-the-head on standing, I have large HR ranges from 100 when I stand to 64 when I’m sitting down.  I have IBS.

I’m sensitive to medication, I’m sensitive to food, I’m hypersensitive to needles (seriously, it’s painful).  Regardless of how much I relax I can never remove tension or pain from my shoulders and neck.  I have issues with thermoregulation.

I could go on for hours.  But the stupid thing is:  I thought this was all normal.

Because whenever I got ill frequently I was told to harden up and go to school or work anyway.  Whenever I ached I was told it was growing pains, or I hadn’t exercised enough, or I was sleeping too much.

So I just … stopped complaining.  And with that, I stopped thinking about the pain, because if I thought about it, it got worse, so clearly I’m just imagining it (isn’t it wonderful what backflips the brain does?).

Some days I couldn’t ignore the pain.  Some days I sat at my desk and thought ‘I can’t do that right now’ because doing that would involve standing up and moving around and right now, with my hips and legs in as much pain as they were in, that was just too much.  And I wondered and I marveled at all the other assistants who could hop up and run around and how on earth did they have that much energy, how could they keep going?

It never occurred to me that it was not normal.

I’m still adjusting to actually listening to what my body is saying.  It’s going to take me a long time to realise that when my body says ‘whoa’ I actually need to whoa, and not just ‘harden the fuck up’ and keep going.  I still want to tell myself to harden up and keep going even though I am exhausted to the bone.

I go in for diagnostics in a couple of weeks.  Just history taking and pressure points test and bloods to rule out anything else.  Once I get a diagnosis I’ll be able to start making progress, but for now I’ll sit in this mildly terrifying limbo.  Maybe I do.  Maybe I don’t.  The alternatives aren’t really much better.

Happiness is …

Bones

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If there is one thing I have learned about happiness, it’s that it is as unique and distinct to each person as their personality and looks are.  Everyone has different things that make them happy.  There may be some commonality, but there will always be a few quirks!  We can also learn a lot about happiness from other people.  They may be able to put it into words and suddenly you realise you get happiness from that thing, too.

So for me, happiness is…

That quiet on the weekend mornings before the rest of the world wakes up.  Warm coffee with honey.

Watching the sun move around my living room floor, watching the cats (and dog) chase it in varying degrees of dumpling and sprawl.

A clean kitchen and a tidy home – it’ll never fully be clean just because of the amount of cat hair (I’m looking at you, oh short-haired one) that permeates all soft furnishings, but it can at least be tidy.  Airing out the house on a sunny day.

Lying on the couch, watching terrible murder shows (like Forensic Files) and playing dinky little games (Sally’s Salon is a favourite), and then rolling over to have a nap.

Snuggling into my onesie.  Spending entire weekends in my onesie except for dog walks.

Seeing the weather is lovely outside and knowing I don’t have to do anything if I don’t want to.  Seeing the weather is awful outside and knowing I can stay snuggled up on the couch and not feel like I have to make the most of the nice weather … because it’s not.

Reading.  Anything that I enjoy.  New books, old favourites.  Going back through my favourites list on Archive of our Own and reading my comfort fanfics.  Reading the funny things people put up on Fark.

Talking to a few close friends.  Visiting a few close friends at their home for cheap and nasty and amazing takeaways and a crafty evening.  Being open about my mental health with a few close friends, and the looks on their faces when I tell them they’re no spoon people, because even when I’m totally wiped out I will still talk to them and see them and enjoy myself and feel refreshed.

Opening the curtains in my room.  Lying on my bed and listening to music or podcasts with the windows open on a sunny day.  Having a nap there, with the sun and the fresh air.  Lying on my bed and listening to the rain on the roof and watching it come down outside.  Clean sheets.

Recognising when I’m starting to feel overstimulated and frantic and knowing I can put in my earbuds and put on some white noise and take a moment to breathe.  Beginning to understand and explore my limits and live comfortably within them.  Knowing that I don’t have to attend that work function, knowing that I need to stay at home to recover from the day, or the week, and not feel guilty at all about it because I just work differently to everyone else.  Knowing that it doesn’t matter if people don’t understand, I don’t have to try to get them to understand, I can simply say “I can’t do that many people at once right now” and that is enough.

Having enough income to pay my bills and to eat a bit better.  To not have to stress about whether or not I can afford the gas I need for the week, because feeding the animals will always come first.  Knowing that there isn’t someone there deliberately trying to screw over my budget, to take every cent of surplus and more.  Knowing that I finally have the freedom to manage my own budget, to apply money to areas where I see fit, to not have to compensate for Its fuckups.

Seeing other people’s posts on facebook and instagram where they’re doing amazing things for themselves and loving them for it.  Loving their journey, loving that they are sharing this with you, loving that you can see what they’re up to, where they are in the world, the amazing scenery they are seeing, the adventures they are undertaking.  Knowing that one day (and I’m realistic in that it may not be within this next decade) I will do the same.  I will go to places I want to go to, I will see things I want to see, I will have adventures I want to have, and I will take inspiration from my friends who have gone before me, and I will take advice from my friends who have gone before me, and I will be all the better for it.

There’s one key thing here that you may have noticed.  All of my happiness involves little things, and none of them involve prescribing to someone else’s idea of happiness, of wellness.  There’s no meditation, there’s no hiking up mountains (although I do enjoy occasional hikes out with my mates), there’s no big grand thing.

Life is a series of little things strung together around big things.  Alter those little things in life so that they are things you enjoy, so that they bring you happiness.  You may enjoy taking a walk at 6.00am.  You may enjoy sleeping in until 2.  You may enjoy socialising, going to cafes.  You may enjoy curling up in bed with a good book.  You may enjoy scented candles, drawing, beading, napping, gardening, researching …  what ever it is you enjoy, whatever it is you want to do at this particular moment, do it.  (Unless it’s illegal, then please don’t.)  If you don’t have the energy to do what you really want to do right now, that is totally okay, find a TV show you enjoy and relax into it.  Have a nap.  Have a cup of tea.

Let yourself feel joy from the little things in life.  Because life is a series of little things strung together around big things.

 

Sleep and Mental Health

Bones

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These are two things that are intrinsically linked.  The better quality sleep you have, the better your overall mental health.  And, typically, the better your overall mental health, the better quality sleep you have.

And yet sleep is often the most difficult thing to get in sufficient quantities or quality to maintain good mental health.  It’s often one of the first things affected.  Either you sleep more, or you sleep less.  Or the quality just goes to crap.  You’re able to track these things with sleep tracking apps (my favourite is Sleep Cycle, but that’s mainly because I used to use it years ago and I don’t like change) which give you a rough idea of how deeply you’ve slept, and the length of time you’ve slept.  Its main use is looking blearily at it first thing in the morning wondering why on earth I feel like absolute crap and seeing very little deep sleep and going ‘oh, okay, that’s why’.

There are things I’ve found to improve sleep quality and quantity.  One of them is dietary supplements.  I’ve found magnesium (taken at night – I don’t know if this actually has an affect) calms the nerves and allows better quality sleep over a long period of time.  Taking magnesium was the first step I took in my walk to wellness.  I’ve also just started taking sublingual B12 drops, so we’ll see if that helps the muscle fatigue and aches and resistance to relaxation that plagues me.

Other than those two, I’ve found that I am able to fall asleep on the couch (not nap, no, this is proper sleep) when I have Forensic Files on the TV at a very specific volume.  I apparently can no longer fall asleep in bed unless I have either the amazing human being or the amazing dog on / in the bed with me, so on evenings where amazing human being is doing his amazing human thing past my bedtime … I don’t go to bed.  I put Forensic Files on, flip my hood over my face, and fall asleep on the couch.  It works a lot better than trying to fall asleep in bed.  And, bonus, I know I can zonk out early if I need to catch up on a bit of sleep.

Sometimes when sleep is being insanely stubborn, I’ll fall back on guided meditation to put me to sleep.  It’s important to find the right guided meditation for you – some voices are going to agitate you, and aren’t going to sit right.  Others deliver it in the wrong way.  I prefer male voices, mainly because my ears are incredibly sensitive to treble, and I get very stressed when I’m trying to find something to soothe me and it just makes my ears hurt.

I’m not yet at the stage where I’m contemplating medication to help sleep, but I know of a lot of people who are, and who do.  It’s important to note that if you need that much help to get to sleep, you need that much help to get you to sleep.

And now it’s time to fall asleep to Forensic Files, because I slept like crap last night.