Tag: recovery

Thank You To My General Practitioner

Bones

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I have been seeing my general practitioner doctor for two years.

I first remember meeting him as a depressed and anxious wreck during winter, where he looked at me and prescribed me antidepressants immediately, with a recheck in a couple of weeks.  I revisited a few times, both of us delighted that the first SSRI was a winner, and then I didn’t see him for a bit.

I didn’t see him until after my physio suggested my overreaction to injury may be fibromyalgia.  I described my symptoms to him and he said the words I hoped to hear:  “it sounds like you have fibromyalgia”.  We tried amitrip, then he suggested we try pregabalin, as amitrip wasn’t working for me.  It was a winner.

Then I got face pain and I went straight in to see him.  He said the words I really did not hope to hear:  “it sounds like trigeminal neuralgia”, but we treated it for a possible ear infection and possible shingles in the ear (because one of his friends had it years ago and it took a very long time to figure that one out).

I have visited him every week for so long the receptionist knows my name.

We’re now going for a private MRI and a public neurologist to get this sorted as quickly as possible, because I won’t be able to continue my education next year if this pain keeps up.

I have been incredibly lucky to get an amazing doctor first up.  He has never doubted what I have to say, never told me its in my head, always done additional research to ensure he is providing optimal care, and has taken the time and effort to personalise the treatment to my peculiarities.  He has been an amazing point of support throughout all of this.

So to my general practitioner:  thank you.  You are amazing, and you are improving my quality of life more than I can say.

I Got Fat On Tegretol

Bones

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Among the other amazing side effects I am experiencing on Tegretol (carbamazepine), such as personal earthquakes, difficulty with words, and an extra helping of fatigue, I have also put on weight.

10kg of weight to be precise, in less than 5 weeks.

I’d put on weight last year, and at the start of this year when there were three birthday cakes in a week and then two the next week at work (I can’t say no to free cake, it’s a great weakness of mine).  At the start of university I was up at about 72kg.  5 weeks after starting Tegretol, I was up at 83kg.

I have ever been the human who has been able to eat whatever she wanted and maintained a figure that had occasional family friends ask if I was anorexic.  My response was always ‘you haven’t seen me at dinner, clearly’.  This neat trick began to fade away during my late twenties, along with my ability to pack away food, and I maintained a happy 58-60kg by simply eating normally.

I went on a work experience placement to a sheep farm for three weeks.  While I was there I worked from 8am to 4pm in a physically demanding job, acting as a sheep dog, walking a three hour hike through bush on a proper off-the-beaten-track style track, hauling sheep fleece around while they were shorn, and generally having the time of my life.  In those short three weeks I toned up like nothing on earth.  I slendered down, I had guns to die for, and I was eating double what I’d normally eat to maintain the appropriate energy levels.

I don’t actually need to do a lot of exercise for my metabolism to go OH OKAY and pick up speed.

Until Tegretol.

I’m stable at 83kg.  I haven’t gotten heavier.  But despite the exercise I’m now putting in, I also haven’t gotten lighter.  I haven’t changed my caloric intake in any way, I haven’t changed my eating pattern, I haven’t changed anything except added more exercise, and I am 83kg.

The weight is predominantly on my stomach.  Every bit of my front abdomen, from below my breasts down to my undies line, is extended in a bulge.  This is not a normal weight distribution, and this is not a weight distribution I am happy with.

I’ve done a bit of looking around – there was one study on people who were taking Tegretol and gained weight (I think it was averaging around 15kg) and they only lost the weight when they stopped taking Tegretol – something that is certainly not an option for me right now.  There have been one or two people on forums who have claimed to have lost weight while on Tegretol by going extremist vegan for a couple of years – also not an option for me at this point in time.  There have been suggestions of doing the ketogenic diet – another non option at this point in time, and should be done with extreme caution by someone who is on Tegretol, as carbamazepine is metabolised by the liver, and the ketogenic diet puts extreme pressure on the liver – and doing a paleo diet.

For now I will maintain my breakfasts and dinners as is and change my lunches while incorporating more exercise into my routine.  Once my waterproof sneakers arrive I’ll be able to properly jog around at the paddocks as well (yay aerobic exercise).  My goal is to be 80kg by the time I am next on surgery!

Getting Outside Is Good For The Soul

Bones

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I have spent the day at a country manor, helping out with some very (very) basic farm things, such as finding the pigs and getting them back into their pen, and bringing the older cows in for drenching.

I even drove the two aside farm vehicle thing.  That was awesome.

Even through the drizzle and the cold, there was constant bird song.  The hills rolled on and on until they met the mountains.  You could see the valley wherein a dairy farm nestled.  And it was beautiful and so restful.

This morning I sat on the front deck while my dog zoomed around the landscaped front yard and I cried.  It wasn’t a sad cry, but rather that cry you get when you unclench and let everything you’ve held dissipate.  It took me some time to finish.  When I did, I felt renewed, and my chest felt light.

It just reminded me that I need to get out into farmland more often.  Not into bush – while I like it, it’s not where I feel most relaxed, but rather into the rolling green hills akin to England’s own.  Into lifestyle blocks and retiree blocks where there aren’t many animals, and they just need a bit of mustering because they’re so used to their humans and will follow them anywhere.

While I know it is only a transient feeling, I feel more settled than I have in a long time.

A Change in Medicine – Doubling Pregabalin

Bones

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During my visit to my doctor yesterday, he noted that I was also on Pregabalin, which reduces nerve pain … like trigeminal neuralgia.  As I’m having some fairly intense side effects from carbamazepine, he suggested we double the dose of pregabalin, which was relatively well tolerated, and subsequently reduce the dose of carbamazepine to one that is sufficient to keep the pain under relative control, but also reduces the side effects from it.

I began my doubled dose of pregabalin last night (300mg twice daily).  This morning I feel dizzy as anything but totally awesome.  I’m just lying here on the couch with my legs up on the back of the couch (a position I find most comfortable) and I am incredibly dizzy and also feeling quite euphoric.  I am definitely rambling.

I usually experience some fairly intense dizziness with pregabalin during the first 1-3 days, as well as some euphoria, and a good mood that continues on.  I know what to expect with it.  My hope is that the doubled pregabalin will allow me to reduce the tegretol from 400mg twice daily down to 200mg three times daily, or even lower!

But first, get through the dizziness and make sure the pregabalin is taking off that last bit of pain.  Then I can start adjusting.

Nightmares – A Small Setback

Bones

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I’ve been having dreams, nightmares, whatever you want to call it, I’ve been having it.  It invariably involves one or the other of my past abusers.

My usual nightmare involves It, the narcissist I was with for the longest, the one who caused the most damage, and my PTSD.  It typically involves him returning, and just assuming that the relationship is back on, and I fake it.  I fake it to hide my relationship with my amazing human being – which is basically what I’m doing now, minus the being in a relationship with him part, and more with him being on the other side of the world (THANK FUCK).

My first abuser was in my dream last night.  Then, later on in the dream, I did what I have always dreaded doing.  I said Its name instead of my amazing human being’s name.

Sometimes, in the awake world, It’s name will be on the tip of my tongue instead of my amazing human’s name.  I don’t speak when that happens.  I have almost been away from him for the same length of time as I was with him, but some scars take longer to heal than others.

All of this has … done something to me.  I feel flat and anxious at the same time.  I don’t want to do anything.  I want to bundle up in a blanket and drink tea and watch Forensic Files.

And unfortunately I can’t today.  Or at least not all day.  I have adulting I must do before I can be an amorphous blob.