The Reality of Fibromyalgia

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I’ve had a fairly packed few weeks, and I’m looking at a full schedule until … probably mid February.  My anxiety is considerably higher than normal, as there’s a lot to get done over the next few weeks.  I’m physically doing considerably more and resting less.  This has a lot of consequences for me.

First being that my fibro is flaring up.  Which, yeah, go figure.  It means random parts of my body hurt.  On Friday, the middle knuckle on my right hand hurt.  Yesterday, an old injury on my left foot started hurting (and still does).  Bits of my leg hurt, and then stop hurting at random.  My knees ache more, my right elbow started hurting … you get the picture.

Today I experienced a new symptom.  I had a shower, which was all well and good.  I was drying myself off when I felt pain running down my left arm.  I quickly turned my arm over.  It was a water droplet running down my arm.

I felt some not inconsiderable pain from a water droplet.

I briefly panicked and then bottled it up.  I didn’t have the time to panic about it, so I didn’t.  It’s only now, in the later hours, that I’m sitting down to process this new facet.

Pain from a water droplet.

I’m used to abnormal pain after an injury, or additional pain after physical exertion, but this is new.  This is normal sensory input being processed as pain.  This is something I cannot excuse away as ‘a bit rough’ or ‘a bit sharp’, it’s a water droplet.

Realistically I’ve experienced this before.  Sometimes when my amazing human rubs my head or my arm, it hurts.  I’ve had days where pillows hurt to lie on.  But I have always rationalised them away – my amazing human was being unintentionally rough, or his nails were too long, and I just had a really bad headache so I was sensitive.

This is the first experience I can’t rationalise away.  This is clear proof that I have an issue with sensory input, where either my nerves are sending the wrong signals, or my brain is interpreting the signals wrong.

Today it really hit me.  I’m still not sure what to do with this information.  I’m probably going to bury it for a while and bring it out to examine at inopportune times (such as during an exam, or when I’m trying to read).  But for now, honestly?  I’m scared.  This is scary.  And I really don’t like it.

Post-Holiday Blues

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I had a week long holiday from my normal life.  I spent a week with friends and family, cuddling with my dog, and doing work experience in the field I will eventually be graduating in.

I loved it.  For one of the few times this year, I felt alive.  My brain was whirring, I was thinking, I was in my element.  I was putting two and two together and getting four, and then adding another three to get seven, that kind of thing.  Despite the aches, the exhaustion, and the trembling, I had more energy than I had had in months.  And I proved to myself that I understood some things, that I remembered some things, and that I could actually apply a lot of what I’ve been taught.  It was exhilarating.  By the end of the week, though, I was gasping to be back in my home, in my own space, in my own bed, with my home routines.

I got home and it was lovely, my lovely human was there, my animals cuddled into me, and we had a relaxing day, before I went back to work and the reality of what I did fell on my head.

I like the people I work with.  I like the place I work.  I’m good at what I do, but wow is the work soul suckingly boring.  These last two weeks have thrown my life into light.

Do what you love.  Not because you’ll never work a day in your life – you will, it will still be work.  But do what you love because life is too short to do what you don’t love.